Amnesia
by Khaki is the New Black
Summary: Piper hits her head. Ten years of memories is a frightening amount to lose. Waking up in prison makes it worse. She knows one person, though. Her girlfriend is here too. But she's no longer her girlfriend and Piper has never seen her so mad. Apparently, Piper is the reason Alex is in here. Written pre-season 3, so Nicky ahoy.


You're uncomfortable. Whatever you're lying on is hard and cold. Your head hurts so much that it's pure agony. You've never had a hangover like this before. You don't want to open your eyes because you know the light will make it worse. But you're also slightly worried about where you've woken up. You don't know where you are, and you're waiting for the memories to come flooding in, waiting for that aha moment. Which country is this again? You reach out for Alex to find nothing but air. You roll over in another attempt to hold her but you fall a short distance to an even harder and colder surface.

You groan. 'Ow.'

There's an oddly Russian-sounding chuckle and your blood runs cold. Where the hell are you?! You open your eyes and lift your head to see a bland wall. You crane your neck higher to see a strange set of hooks on the wall, a coat hanging on them idly. Now you see the foot of a small metal bed, where you must have slept last night, next to a dark grey locker. You look to the left to see an amused-looking lady with dark red hair. She doesn't say anything, just smirks.

You push yourself up from the cold floor and turn, freezing at the sight. There are several other bunks just like yours. Everything is bland. People are milling around in khaki jumpsuits and you begin to panic.

'This looks like a prison.'

Another chuckle from the Russian (you think, sounds like it). 'That's one of the few things they've got right. Typical.'

Definitely Russian.

Nothing makes sense and your eyes desperately search for the one thing that will make this better but you can't see her anywhere. She has to be here with you. She has to be.

You race off, almost breaking into a jog past the hordes of matching people. Endless faces turn to watch you and there's only one thought stopping you from breaking down among these strangers.

Alex?

You take turn after turn through bare, busy corridors.

Alex?

She's got to be here.

Alex?

As you round a corner you almost run into a woman with wild hair and you jump, mumbling an apology before you keep going – but she grabs your arm and pulls you to a stop.

'What's the matter, Chapman?'

You meet her eyes. She looks amused, but that softens as she takes in your panicked expression. You don't particularly want to confide in a stranger who knows your name. But she knows you...?

'I-I don't know I'm doing here.'

Wild Hair looks amused again. 'Serving your time with us sexy bitches.'

You don't react. This doesn't make sense. You're on the verge of concluding this all a messed up dream and pinching yourself to wake up when the stranger speaks again:

'No, really, Chapman, what's up? You look fucking terrified.'

You are fucking terrified. You're so confused. Barely able to control your heart rate you fall against the wall and you breathe out the only thing keeping you moving. 'Alex.'

Alex doesn't appear and save you, no matter how much you wish it, no matter how many times you think or utter her name. Your world doesn't morph into something different. If this is a dream, it's not a happy one.

'What've you done to each other this time?'

Your head shoots up. 'She's here?!'

That earns you a strange look. 'As always... still avoiding you.'

'Avoiding me?! Where is she now?'

The woman doesn't answer but you're desperate to know. This will make everything better. Alex is here. Alex will explain everything.

'Laundry, like always, jeez, there's not many places you can hide in prison.'

A lump catches in your throat at the confirmation of your fears. Prison. It was obvious, yes, but hearing it said is chilling. You suppress a shiver. You don't process that now, you can't, you just need to focus on Alex – you're an expert at that.

'Can you take me to her?'

'Look, we've discussed this. I'm not on anybody's side. I'm neutral.'

You have no idea what she's talking about. You don't care either. And at this point you're growing increasingly desperate.

'Please can you just take me to her? Or show me the way?!'

The silence builds up this time and you're about to give up and go searching yourself when Wild Hair nods. She's still looking at you strangely but you don't care because she's agreed.

You follow her and she's way too slow for your liking but you don't dare try and hurry her up for the fear she'll stop guiding you. You think she keeps looking at you but you're too tense to say or do anything but keep your feet moving forwards.

As you both finally get to a door and push through it, your heart soars with relief. You almost run to her. She's alone folding laundry in a long white T-shirt and she's pure light in this madness.

'Heads up, Vause,' Wild Hair warns.

Alex is frowning at you and looks increasingly confused the closer you get. She even seems to try and take a step back before you throw your arms around her.

'I was so fucking scared.' You're almost teary now. You grip her tightly, never wanting to let go, and you bury your face into her neck, eyes wet. Her scent overwhelms your senses and in that moment everything is OK.

'Piper, what the hell?'

It's not the comforting embrace you're expecting from your girlfriend. She even pulls back, but keeps hold of you by the shoulders and looks you in the eyes. Her face is stony but her eyes are bright with concern.

'I– I've woke up in–' you swallow the lump in your throat '–prison and I have no idea what we're doing here.'

Alex drops her arms. 'You're kidding me, right?'

Her tone is cold and she looks like she can barely hold back an eye roll. She takes a step back and you flinch.

You slap your hand to your head, gripping your hair. You're definitely still dreaming. This is a nightmare. That's what it is. Alex would never treat you like this. You're desperate to fill the silence engulfing you.

'Are we in Paris or Brussels?'

'What?'

You look at Alex, wanting nothing more than for her face to break into a smile, to soften and look at you like she always does. But it doesn't and you rush out an explanation, 'We were in Brussels, but I've woken up by an old Russian lady.'

'Red,' Wild Hair says behind you.

You turn around, glad to look away from Alex's alien expression. 'Red?'

'Yeah. That's her name.'

You take a deep breath. 'And what's your name?'

'My name is Awesome.'

Red and Awesome? This place was so bizarre.

'Can you show me to the exit, Awesome? I'd like to leave.'

Awesome's smile falls and she looks at Alex. You look between the two of them, but Alex turns her back. You can't stay here. You'll breakdown, suffocate, implode. This can't be real.

When you get no reply, you set off. 'I'll find it myself,' you say. There's no reply which is fine. You don't want to be around this fake Alex, and Awesome only ever seems to be amused by you or weirded out.

You hurry out the room. You're in throngs of people again and you try and single out someone to talk to. But everybody is giving you strange looks. Most of them look rather frightening and it only increases your panic. Their faces are so clear and detailed. Everything is too detailed.

And then, a saving grace, a large man in a blue uniform. He has white hair and doesn't look particularly happy to see you either but he's different to the rest of the sea of women. He even has his name stitched in his shirt. You approach him.

'Excuse me, Mr. S. Healy? Can you please show me to the exit?'

The man rolls his eyes and keeps on walking. 'Very funny, Chapman.'

Your gaze follows him helplessly. He walks back the way you've come and you see Awesome and Alex stood peering round the corner watching you. They both look confused but your eyes settle on Alex's. She looks strangely wounded and you don't want to look at that – you didn't even know you could imagine it.

You turn to continue down the corridor. You just need to make it outside. You know about lucid dreaming. You did a paper on it in college. Perhaps you can fly away. You can fly back to consciousness where Alex is waiting for you. She'll laugh at your weird dream and tell you she'd never act like this Fake Alex; she'll make everything better. Finding a way out delays that thought though and it's not as simple as you'd hope.

Eventually, more stressed, you reach a door that leads to a path on the ground before you and a blue sky above. The clouds are realistic. A cool breeze hits your skin. There's the odd person dotted about the grounds. More coherent frightening detail is all around you and as the asphyxiating world expands it simultaneously tightens the panic around your heart and lungs.

Your head is still pounding, your heartbeat is thumping louder every second and now breath is hard to take in. You have to get out of here. Right now.

Your pace quickens and you speed walk around corners until there is no one else around.

You run.

There's open space but you are well aware you are surrounded by a tall, barbed fence. You sprint until you reach it and can go no further.

The fence does not look passable. You grip its meshed wire and rest your head against it. What is going on here...?

'You're out of bounds, inmates.'

You turn around to see Alex and Awesome behind you. They had been approaching but were partly turned to see another man in blue. He's got a set of tools around his waist so you assume he's an electrician or a plumber.

'Oh, thank God.' You walk towards him to stand by the other women. You gesture to Alex. 'We're not supposed to be here.'

'No, you're not. You're supposed to be in electrical. Nichols, why aren't you in electrical?'

'You see, Luscheck, Chapman is having a slight psychotic breakdown and so we're getting some fresh air.'

He doesn't look surprised. 'As long as you do that in electrical, that's fine.' He looks at Alex. 'And what's the hot one doing here?'

Awesome (Nichols?) speaks again. 'If Chapman has a breakdown you call Vause, simple.'

He's not amused. In fact, it's like all this doesn't even warrant the effort of a response. 'You need to get back inside.'

'No problem,' Awesome replies. 'Let's go fix that light, Chapman.'

Both Awesome and Alex take an arm each and lead you away with a firm grip and strong pull until you allow them to take control. You still have no idea what the hell is going on. In fact, everything makes even less sense now. Stupid dreams. If all this is your mind's unconscious effort because you went to bed thinking about that dumb toaster and the stupid hot glue gun you won't be impressed. You're no handyman. Alex wasn't even mad at you for that incident – she thought it was hilarious – so this Alex by your side now, looking at you heartbreakingly strangely, is totally out of character.

'I don't know how to fix a light,' you say out of frustration.

'Read the manual,' Luscheck calls after you.

'What manual?' you say when you're out of earshot. 'What's going on?'

'That's what you're going to tell us,' Awesome replies.

* * *

You sit around a small table in a square room.

There's a TV above you playing a programme about whales and it cements your worry that this dream has too much detail. It's too continuous. Strange, yes, but too real. You swallow. You pinch your arm. It hurts. You pinch it harder. It hurts more.

'Has somebody drugged you?' Awesome asks. There's less amusement in her voice now and more incredulity. This person thinks you're crazy. Maybe you have lost your mind.

And so your face lights up at the idea of being drugged. That could make sense. Your rational mind latches onto it. 'Yes, maybe... but how do you get drugs in prison?'

Alex straightforwardly tells you, 'Piper... you are in Litchfield penitentiary in the US.'

You stare at Alex for a long time, waiting for more answers… and then it dawns on you with frightening effect. Your eyes widen. 'I got caught didn't I? In Brussels? I messed up and they tracked us and that's why you hate me?'

'You didn't get caught, Piper, that was years ago.'

Years? You're still confused. 'How long ago?'

'Ten years.'

You want to laugh but you feel too ill to do so. This isn't helping your headache or your sanity. If that was ten years ago then you're missing an unrealistic amount of your memory. A day with Alex was unforgettable; so much happened in such a little amount of time when you were with her… losing ten years of memories with Alex would be like losing ten lifetimes of love and extraordinary experiences.

'Then what have we been doing the past ten years?'

'We broke up.'

Alex says it so flatly that it hurts. Maybe she hates you. She doesn't look like she hates you. She looks tired. Yet she's still beautiful, so, so beautiful, even in a drab prison uniform. No wonder she let you go.

'Why did you break up with me?'

'You left me.'

'Yeah right. That's about as funny as the first time you told me you worked for an international drug cartel.' You smile at her but she remains deadpan.

'And just as serious.'

You find it easier to believe that you woke up in prison than you do believing you broke up with Alex. No way. You never once doubted your love for her. Even now you love her. You've never felt this way about anyone. It would have taken some very messed up, inconceivable strength to break off your relationship.

You're incredulous. 'Why the hell did I break up with you?'

Alex sighs. She's looking at the table now, but she glances back up to watch your expression. 'I asked you to carry another bag a couple of years later. To Istanbul.'

'And?'

'You said no. You were angry. You left.'

'Just like that?'

'Yes.'

'Really?'

'You were… stressed over the drug dealing business.'

It was stressful, but as far as you were concerned it was all worth it. Alex was the love of your life. The times of suckiness did not outweigh the enjoyment you got from being with her. The stress came from any time you spent apart from Alex – not because you were scared, but because you missed her. You buried your worry. You didn't take note of the illegality or the danger.

But Alex had promised that you would never have to carry a bag of money again, that you would never have to do anything like it ever again. You still couldn't believe she had done it. She promised you and you trusted her and you loved her.

'...carrying that bag was fucking terrifying,' you admit. A little anger seeps into your words as you add, 'I can't believe you made me do that.'

'You knew what you were doing.'

You flinch, pained she would throw the blame back at you so easily. 'You told me to. You fucking sweet-talked me into it.'

Alex lowers her eyes again and you can't stop the anger now. All of this panic and worry and stupid fucking confusion and you still don't know what's going on.

''Everything will work out perfectly, babe. I promise. It's all going to be okay—''

Alex's head snaps back up and now anger flitters into her expression too. 'Jesus, Piper. I get it.'

'Do you? Because I don't. You lied to me.'

'You didn't get caught,' Alex says a little too loudly before she lowers her voice to a frustrated whisper, 'that was years ago.'

'Then why am I here? If we weren't caught together?'

Alex meets your eyes. The anger is gone, just like that. 'I named you.'

You want to say it's a joke again.

You cross your arms and sit back in your seat, shaking your head in vigorous denial. Your dream theory is sounding more likely again, and way more appealing than the apparent truth of your history with your ex-girlfriend. 'You wouldn't do that.'

'I did.'

'Why?'

Alex doesn't reply. She glances at Nicky (whom, for some reason, looks almost delighted) and then back at you. 'I'm not going to do this, Piper. If this is some sick joke to get me back it's not working.'

'Get you back?' Your temper is rising uncontrollably again. 'I have no idea what is happening. I wasn't aware I needed to win back anything, let alone my ex-girlfriend who got me thrown in here in the first place.'

Alex looks angry once more but doesn't bother with a retort. 'Have you hit your head? Even you're not this good at repressing memories, Piper.'

You sigh, trying to let it go in lieu of working out whatever the hell is going on with you. You want the Alex that loves you back – the Alex from… ten years ago. 'I have a splitting headache but... I honestly have no idea what's going on, Alex.'

Alex sighs. 'Fuck.'

Silence stretches between you.

You look at the other woman. 'I'm fairly sure your name isn't Awesome, Nichols.'

'Hey, Nichols is my surname. Awesome is my nickname.'

You frown. 'Chapman is my nickname?'

'You have hundreds of nicknames.'

You squeeze your eyes shut as a particularly sharp throb shoots through your forehead. You place your hand over your eyes and forehead. 'I don't want to hear them. I can't process that right now. I need to someone of authority. I'll tell them the truth.'

'If you tell a guard you have no idea where you are or what's going on they'll throw you into psych.'

Psych...?

'I'll call my dad...' Your stomach plummets. 'Shit. Does he know I'm in prison? When did I last see him? Has he disowned me?' It's partly a joke to cover up your sadness. You can just picture the disappointed look on your parents' faces. Is there anyone you know left that likes you and is willing to help?

Nicky doesn't reply and Alex speaks up. 'He's never visited.'

'What? Why?'

''Cos he's a fuckup who won't accept you like this. Your mom visits. You hate it.' Alex quickly adds, 'Cal visits. Polly and Larry too.'

'Who's Larry?'

'Your ex-fiancé.'

'A man?'

'No, a woman,' Nichols responds.

You narrow your eyes. 'You know, you're making it hard for me to trust you.'

'This is our relationship, Chapman.'

'We're dating?'

Nicky opens her mouth to reply but after a sharp look from Alex she changes her sentence, 'We're just good pals.'

You look between them, then settle your gaze on Alex again. 'Are you dating anyone?'

It shouldn't be a priority, given your current mental state, but it was. The answer is very important to you. You're not surprised your parents have given up on you, but Alex was… Alex. She was the only one that got you. How could you mess this up so badly?

'No.'

You visibly relax. You both stare at each other. You're just glad she's here. It's so easy to get lost in her gaze. You want to hold her. You're a second away from reaching out to touch her, in any way you can, when Nichols speaks again –

'You were a lot gayer ten years ago by the looks of it.'

'I'm not gay.' It slips out. It's a reflex. You say it to Polly all the time. I'm experimenting, Pol. You lower your head.

'Never mind. Still a liar.'

You ignore that. 'I can call Polly. How's Polly?'

Alex's expression hardens at the thought of her favourite friend of yours, so you doubt they ever got over their dislike of each other. 'She was married, had a child, divorced, and is now dating your ex-fiancé.'

Yeah right. 'I know you don't like her, Alex, but she wouldn't do that.'

The women both stare at you blankly.

'Fucking bitch,' you grumble under your breath. Did everyone hate you now or something? Did your entire life fall apart? It certainly looks like it did.

'Danny's training to be a doctor,' you try feebly, clutching at straws now.

'Never heard of him,' Nichols responds.

That wasn't a surprise. You rarely heard from your older brother anyway.

You scoff. 'Is Cal a doctor now too?'

'No.'

You're relieved.

'But he is married.'

'My little brother is married? To a human being? OK. Fine. Everyone hates me or is successful. How's my grandmother? Is she the only one who still likes me? Let's face it, she was one of the only people who loved me for me in the first place.'

Alex's expression softens further. She looks hurt enough for the both of you. 'Pipes, I'm sorry.'

No, she wouldn't hate you. Your grandmother could never... oh. Oh no. No that's not fair. No. She couldn't be…

All your anger drains away. Your building heap of messy feelings finally collapses and your head falls on top of your arms on the table in front of you. Now you're about ready to cry. You just want to curl up and stop feeling, stop thinking, stop worrying about everything and everyone. You can't handle this.

'And nobody hates you, Piper. Your brother is living in the woods with his wife who is even more insane than he is.'

You look up at Alex. 'Do you hate me?'

'No.'

It's a huge relief. If she hated you then you would have broken there and then.

'Do you –' you stop yourself. You can't bear to hear the word no. You love her very much but Alex had been avoiding you, you'd broken up, she even turned her back when you cried on her shoulder. Wasn't that an answer in itself? Why make her say it when she looked hurt enough...

'Always, Pipes.'

Her hands come to rest over yours and you stare at them. You smile. You always loved Alex's hands, the way your fingers fit together. You look at her and your smile widens, even though it's watery and even though everything sucks.

'You know, you look no different to ten years ago.'

Alex bites back a smirk. 'You got fucking old, kid.'

'What?!'

She laughs. That's the sound you've been waiting for. The sound that makes this all real. The sound that makes this all OK. This is the effortless part of your life.

'That's not funny, Alex. Even if I fucked everything up it would be nice to still look semi-young.'

'Some people age better than others, Pipes. You look a little more like your mother every day.'

'Oh God. How can you still love me?'

'It's difficult, but I try.'

You can't be angry because Alex is in one of those teasing moods when she gets incredibly happy at your misfortune. You always start annoyed, and you continue to act it, but Alex's smile takes all the colour out of your anger, leaving nothing but awe.

If you can stay here, in this relationship, you don't care about everything else, not right now. You decide you don't want to know what happened between you. You don't want to know what you messed up. You can bury everything else. You don't want to go backwards on this emotional connection between you.

You sigh. 'Then I won't try flying over the fence again.'

To your disdain, Alex's smile falters. 'Flying?'

'I was fairly sure I was dreaming. That this was a nightmare.'

It was still pretty nightmarish, if not everything you ever feared, but even though the world was spinning out of your control Alex was still there spinning with you. You could focus on that; the rest could just be… background. That's all it really ever had been with Alex anyway.

Alex stands up. 'Let's get you to a doctor, kid.'

'They'll put her in psych,' Nichols adds.

You'd forgotten she was here. You had been so absorbed in Alex.

Alex hesitates. 'This is serious.'

Nichols is adamant. She shakes her head. 'Nobody will believe it. Miraculous amnesia, like I've not tried that before.'

You look around, unsure of what to do. Your eye catches sight of a black woman with wide eyes watching you through the glass of the door. For a moment you think you might be crazy, perhaps you're seeing things, because she disappears from view before poking her head round again to see if you're still looking at her.

'You both see the woman watching us, right?'

Alex and Nichols turn collectively and the woman straightens once more. She then turns and walks away but Alex rushes after her, through the door and down the corridor. You and Nichols follow.

'Why didn't you say so?!' Alex is almost shouting when you catch up. 'She could have brain damage!'

'Um,' you interrupt awkwardly.

You don't want to see Alex hulk out over this.

The other woman looks at you. 'Dandelion.'

'I'm sorry?' You bring your hand to your head again. You are losing it.

'I saw you fall over last night. It wasn't like last time. It was a face plant.' The woman waves her hand in front of her face before slapping it against her forehead. 'You didn't get up right away, but since I wasn't allowed to touch you I just waited. And waited. You didn't make a lot of sense when you stood up but I followed you back to your bunk and you seemed OK. I overheard you talking this morning about not belonging here, so I thought I'd better tell you.'

'Yeah, no shit,' Nichols replies.

The wide-eyed woman looks guilty and you reach out and press a hand to her arm. 'Thank you for telling me.'

Alex grabs your arm and pulls you parallel to her. She looks you once over and then reaches up to brush her thumb over your forehead. You jump as a shooting pain jolts through you when she touches your hairline. Ouch, that hurts. You lean your head away and meet Alex's eyes directly.

Alex's face is instantly all business. 'Let's go to Caputo. All of us.'

* * *

You stand in an office with the other three women, facing the moustachioed man called "Mr. Caputo". He doesn't look too pleased to hear you out. You lean into Alex, your hand holding onto her arm for support – mental support more than anything.

'Piper fell over and hit her head last night. She can't remember anything. She needs to go to the medical wing for a scan immediately.'

Mr. Caputo just raises his eyebrows. 'Like I've never heard that before. Nichols, haven't you tried this in the past? What's going on here, ladies, really?'

Alex's muscles tighten and in response your fingers grip a little harder into her arm.

'It's true,' you admit, 'I woke up this morning and I had no idea where I was. My head is killing me. The only person I know is Alex.'

He regards you seriously. 'You're a very good liar, Chapman. I'm not going to be played by this.'

'If she's got brain damage she could die,' Alex insists.

'There is no proof.'

'Cra-Suzanne saw her fall,' Alex protests. She's getting angry.

'It's true, Mr. Caputo,' "Cra-Suzanne" pipes up. 'She face planted. Into the floor. Real hard.'

'Yeah and Piper's believed my name is 'Awesome' all morning.'

You look at Nichols.

'Which it totally is,' she says with a toothy smile.

'Nicky,' Alex snaps, 'this is serious.'

'You've gotta let her see a doctor, Mr. Caputo. It's an emergency,' 'Nicky' adds, humour gone.

'If you really want to go through with this, we've got doctors in psych.'

Better than nothing. If it'll help and stop Alex from getting upset then OK. 'That'll do.'

'No, Piper, it won't,' Alex shoots back and then stares hard at Caputo. 'She needs proper treatment, a scan and tests. At a minimum, she's suffering from amnesia.'

You're quite nervous about Alex's mood: she's protective of you and it's usually really sweet, but this could not get more serious. You have no doubts that Alex would go to great lengths to keep you safe. You don't know who Caputo is, but surely he would not want to piss Alex Vause off. Even in prison, you can't see Alex bowing to authority – then again you could have never pictured her in prison either...

'Please, sir,' you try, 'my head is painful...'

You dampen it down. Your head is killing you at this point but you don't want Alex to worry more.

'I've already taken liberties for you, Chapman. I got your transfer cancelled.'

You hate this constant confusion. Does he not understand you have no idea what he's talking about? That you don't even know who he is?

'She gave you Fig!' Nicky complains.

'Figs? If that's what you want, when I get out of here, I'll buy you some figs. That's if I live — you know — through my traumatic brain injury.' You meet his gaze, both annoyed and pleading.

Caputo sits back in his chair and looks at you. 'If this is some joke you will be in serious trouble — all of you.'

You cast a sideways glance to Alex. 'I don't get why it would be a joke.'

'You're a manipulative person,' Caputo tells you matter-of-factly.

'I am?' You pinch your eyebrows together in thought. 'OK... I can see that, I guess. You know my family are very good liars, it's practically an inherited trait.'

Alex takes a step towards the desk. 'If this isn't looked at she could have some kind of permanent damage or a bloody aneurysm, and it'll be your fucking fault for not taking it seriously.'

'Please,' you step forward, 'you don't want to piss Alex off.'

The stupid man doesn't look scared. He leans across his desk. 'Do you know where you are, Chapman?'

You're at a hopeless loss for words. You almost answer and then you don't. You stutter out a confused answer, 'The US? 'Litchfield'? Right? Was that it?'

You look at Alex but Alex is still attempting to bore holes into Caputo with her glare alone.

There's a tense silence and you hold your breath.

Finally, Caputo sighs. 'All right, but if this turns out to be some kind of scam then you're all going to SHU.'

You offer a weak smile. 'Thank you.'

'The three of you can leave my office now. Chapman, let's get you looked at.'

'Can't Alex come with me?' you ask, instantly terrified.

Mr. Caputo looks like he's about to bite back with a remark, but stops when he sees your face. 'No, she can't.'

Alex finally looks at you and offers her best attempt at a comforting smile. She squeezes your shoulder and then pulls you into a hug that you relish. You instantly tighten your hold on her but it's too soon before Alex is pulling away. Her hand reaches up to brush a strand of hair behind your ear. Your skin tingles as she brushes your cheek with her thumb. 'You'll be all right, kid.'

Nicky claps a comforting hand on your back. 'Don't worry, Chapman, Judy will drive you.'

* * *

The bus driver's name is not Judy. It is Lorna Morello. Lorna wasn't surprised to hear that Nicky Nichols had been messing with you all morning. And Lorna seems kind enough, so you tell her about your amnesia, still finding it hard to believe. Lorna thinks you'll be fine. She thinks you'll take another knock to the head and it will all come back to you – that always happens in the movies, she says. You can't help but think that only a short time ago your level of reality was probably linked up to the reality Lorna seemed to be living in.

This is all too surreal. Now Alex isn't here, it's also nothing short of terrifying.

* * *

'There is swelling of the brain, around the hippocampus, she's definitely had a fall.'

Mr. Caputo looks surprised as you sit on the bed in your medical gown, anxiously studying him and your doctor. You frown at him as if to say see?

'So what happens now?' he asks the doctor.

'Brain damage is unpredictable. We can't see anything instantly life-threatening but she will have to stay here in case of further complications. The patient appears to have retrograde amnesia. Permanent or temporary, we don't know. We'll need to monitor the normal aspects of her personality and other brain functions. Have you noticed anything strange about her behaviour since the fall?'

Caputo looks at you and then back at the doctor. 'It's the first I've heard of this. She doesn't seem any different, apart from her lack of awareness of her situation.'

'Oooh. Get Alex! She'll know if something's wrong!' You grin, excited at the idea. Alex can help. Alex will make this better.

Caputo looks at you. 'You'd broken up with your girlfriend, Chapman, even I knew about that.'

Your smile instantly falls. 'But she's the only person I know. I don't know what's normal for me. I don't know... I don't know what has happened or who I am anymore.'

And you're not even sure who you were before. You are just yourself when you're with Alex. You don't have to fit anybody's image. It's still strange to think she loves you. No strings attached. No strings attached.

If your plea towards Mr. Caputo was pitiful earlier, it's puppy-dog level now. Your eyes brimming with tears is no act; part of it is you being emotionally overwhelmed, not all from need and desperation, but goddamn relief that Alex is in your life. It comes out as a tearful appeal.

'Please, Mr. Caputo. I'm sure you're a good person. I am missing years of my memory. I don't know where I am. I have lost so much today, and if I don't see Alex, I'll lose my sanity, too. Alex can tell you all you need to know about me.' You sniff. 'And what if I get worse? If I slip into a coma overnight and die? Alex will… Alex will…'

It may have been dramatic and over-the-top but you mean every word.

Mr. Caputo shakes his head and then sighs.

* * *

Mr. Caputo returns with Alex. A guard stands by the door when she enters and she is handcuffed but looks relieved when she spots you. She speed walks to the end of the bed with a hopeful expression and tense shoulders.

'How're you doing, kid?'

You beam at her. 'Just brain swelling. I'm totally good.'

Alex's relaxes a little before she looks to the doctor stood at the foot of the bed.

'That's all we can see. Brains are tricky. We want to ask you a few questions about Piper's behaviour.'

Alex looks at him expectantly and gives him an impatient rise of her eyebrows when he takes a moment to continue.

'Has she been acting strangely?'

'Yes.'

You frown.

'She was wandering around, confused, she can't remember anything to do with the past ten years,' Alex explains.

'You know it's ten years?'

Alex nods. 'Just over. We were in Brussels ten years ago. That's where she thought we were.'

'Any stuttering of speech? A mix-up of words?'

Alex shakes her head.

'Is there anything over the past ten years that would qualify as a traumatic experience? Something Piper would want to forget?'

Alex narrows her eyes. 'What the hell are you insinuating?'

'I have to ask. We have to consider everything.'

Alex hesitates. 'Ten years ago was when Piper carried one bag of money across a border. That's the only crime she's in here for.'

'Convenient timing.'

She glares at him. 'We broke up eight years ago. But Piper was fine. She wouldn't do this on purpose. Rule that off the list.'

The doctor nods slowly. He glances at you. 'If you'd like to sit with Piper. Talk to her. Tell her about the past ten years and the big events in her life. I'm not promising anything, but spontaneous recovery is possible.'

Caputo speaks up again, having watched the scene in discomfort. 'Is that really necessary?'

The doctor shrugs. 'It's not proved, but it's suggested. We've done all the tests we can for now. Besides, with no family here to testify, this is the closest thing we have to spotting abnormal behaviour.'

You doubt your own family would spot abnormal behaviour – Cal might, but he tended to accept that you were complicated and that he didn't really understand you a lot of the time.

Alex moves to sit on the chair, not waiting for an order from Caputo either way. 'Hey.'

You smile. 'Hey.'

You're just glad Alex is here. If she wasn't you would have freaked out by now. You would have lost your mind — what was left of it anyway. You can't believe that you're both ten years on and Alex is still beautiful, still protective of you, still charming. You're still so in love. And Alex being the second choice to your family for knowing you? No. Alex knew you, more than your parents ever did, more than your best friend... You never told her that. You never tried to think about it.

Alex tilts her head, the faintest of smiles on her lips. 'What?'

'I'm glad you're here.'

'Me too.'

The words hold a weight to them that confuse your smile. You're the reason she's here, remember? She's angry because of that. She shouldn't be happy. You're not angry that she named you because you don't understand what happened between you; you're just grateful you're with her now.

'We shouldn't be here,' you say. 'We should be halfway around the world. What happened to us?'

Alex's smile falls. 'You got tired of it...'

'I wouldn't have been tired of you. I love you.'

It's like your words wound Alex. Her eyes flinch. Does she not believe you? Does she believe you've changed? Do you not tell her that you love her any more? Are you that far removed from your carefree, constantly awed self?

'Yeah, the travels nice,' you admit. 'The law breaking was an – inconvenience – but I just want to be with you. I don't care where we are.'

'We're in prison, Pipes. You've injured yourself. You're missing a lot of information.'

You ask what. Alex agrees to fill in the blanks if you walk her through your life, through what you do remember. You focus on Alex's face as you speak. Everything else is just background; even yourself and your problem. Alex watches you back and that's enough to get lost in her gaze. You tell Alex about your family upbringing briefly, the expectations, how it led you to college, how it led you to a bar, how it led you to her.

You can't recite that first meeting without a bright smile. You get blissfully lost in the memory. You were taken with her straight away. You gloss over the initial drama: Alex had a crazy girlfriend, so what? You were hooked. And soon after you realised you loved her. Alex shocked you by saying it first but it made you so happy.

You can't help but reach over and take Alex's hands in your own at this point, squeezing when you get excited, running your fingers through hers naturally. You recount your times together. The wait for Alex when she was away and the need to see her again. How triumphant (and surprised, but so ready) you were when Alex asked you to go with her.

And then it's a blur. It's crazy and it's fast. You travelled a lot. You didn't always have happy times: you got an awful stomach bug in Java – that was hell, but Alex took care of you... Brussels airport. Carrying the bag of drug money...

Alex's eyes lower at this point and her fingers loosen from around yours, falling into her lap, still bound by the handcuffs: a harsh reminder of where you both are now.

'But even through the bad times,' you try and console her. 'I loved you.'

'I know.'

It's a tired answer.

You inhale. You want to know this but you don't.

'How did we break up?'

Alex's falling smile dies. 'If I tell you this, you'd better make a full recovery, kid.'

You offer a weak smile in reply. 'I'll try my best.'

The job causes problems. Alex gets increasingly stressed and you end up going out on your own more and more. You feel like a 'pathetic housewife'. Your time together gets shortened and interrupted too often. Alex asks you to carry a bag again. You can't take it. You leave. You book your flight. You pack your things. You–

Alex stops her story. She glances around the room; Caputo and the doctor are still there. You've been talking for ages, and they're quietly discussing charts and patients but probably eavesdropping on everything. Alex readjusts her glasses needlessly.

Something is haunting Alex, you can see it. What was so horrible? What did you do to her?

'Al, what is it?'

Alex sits up straighter. 'I don't see how me telling you this will help you remember. You left – I – I can't tell you what happened to you when you left.'

You don't really care about that. You want to know what happened to Alex. It's hard for you to believe that Alex can be hurt, but you've seen so much pain in her eyes today, so much pain... You desperately want her to smile again.

You hold onto her wrist, trying to comfort her. You study her face. 'Were you okay?'

She meets your gaze and it almost breaks you.

'No.' Despite her answer, she gives you a brave smile. Her eyes are wet and she sniffs, trying to blink back tears.

'Oh, Al, I'm so sorry.'

You wrap your arms around her neck and pull her into a hug. Alex can't hug you back with her bound hands but she buries her head into your neck, breathing in deeply. You stay there for as long as possible and you're both sobbing messes but you're OK. You're stroking her hair and her lips brush your skin and you're OK.

* * *

At some point, Alex gets to sit on the bed by your side; the handcuffs are unclasped from her one hand and attached to the metal frame. She gets to lie down and you get to lie down and just stare at each other with shy smiles. You're too far away from each other, that's a given, but you're together.

Someone was likely supposed to come and collect Alex, take her back to the prison unit, but either by fault or pity, nobody does. The lights in the ward darken and Alex is still with you. You're so grateful and you see that emotion mirrored in Alex's shadowed expression.

'Hey, Al?'

'Yeah, kid?'

'Thank you for taking care of me.'

Alex sucks in a breath. 'I'll always try and protect you.'

You smile. 'I know… I'd like to think I'd try my best to protect you, too.'

'You cause enough trouble without me stirring up things as well.'

You giggle and grin at her through the dark. 'I know but… if you needed me, I'd do anything for you. I love you.'

'I love you too.'

You settle into a comfortable silence. You're tired but you don't want to stop looking at her. As you blink, you watch her watching you.

'Go to sleep, Pipes, and wake up in the morning, and call me if you need me, if there's any pain or something doesn't feel right –'

'Alex, I'm OK. I'm great actually. Just promise me you'll be here when I wake up.'

'I will be.'

You finally close your eyes and somewhere in the midst of almost-sleep you think Alex adds a soft always.

* * *

The morning brings bright lights, a still-thumping headache and full comprehension. You remember everything… Spontaneous recovery, it had actually happened. You can't be more relieved and you feel stupid for falling over (and it was in front of Suzanne again), and all that trouble you caused… And Alex was so good to you. Of course she was. You blink away sleep and your eyes settle on Alex's still sleeping frame. Your relief triples.

However, you think back to your recent memories. How angry and hurt Alex was. How broken your relationship was. You got her thrown back in here with you and she was so upset and angry… You didn't want to remember that. You don't want to go back to that. Your relationship last night was all you ever needed.

Do you have to go back? You want to stay in this state of reconciliation more than anything. Going backwards will break your heart.

Until she wakes up you're stuck with your shame, and your regrets and your sorrow – so many hounding thoughts. You love Alex more than anything, but you're always fucking it up and hurting each her. Then she always sticks by you when you need her.

You are crying when she opens her eyes.

Her face instantly sobers, forming a worried expression. 'Piper, what's wrong?'

'I remember, Al. I remember.'

Alex manages a weak smile. 'That's good.'

'I am so fucking sorry for everything I've ever done; for leaving, for your mom, for getting you thrown back in this shit hole. I am so, so sorry. I'm always so fucking selfish. I love you, but I don't deserve you. You keep coming back to me and it's not fair. Just look at us.'

Despite your words, you reach an arm towards her. Alex has one hand handcuffed to the bed, but she reaches over with her alternate hand and you bridge the gap between you, linking your fingers together.

Alex still looks relieved. 'I was fucking terrified that you'd managed to do something permanent. That you'd collapse and die and leave me again – forever. I love you, Piper. I don't want to fight anymore.'

'I didn't want to fight in the first place,' you say before you can catch yourself.

Alex looks at you pointedly and you let it go.

'Sorry, sorry, still very guilty here.'

Alex sighs but then smiles at you. 'Let's agree to get back together... and to never seriously hurt ourselves like this again.'

'I don't know, Al. If knocking my head gets my girlfriend back–' you see her frown again. 'Kidding, kidding.'

'Always so dramatic, Pipes. What am I supposed to do with you?'

You grin. 'Lock me up, apparently. With a bunch of crazy people. I'm going to kill Nicky.'

Alex smirks. 'You mean Awesome?'

You're caught between annoyance and laughter. 'Wanna pretend I can't remember a thing when I get back? I want to get her back somehow.'

They're still unlikely to let you leave for a while; they'll have to do more scans, ensure the swelling goes down and that there are no complications, so you'll have plenty of time to scheme. And right now you're pretty positive everything will turn out OK.

Alex smiles. 'We'll think of something... Until then, get over here.'

You looked around the room. 'I'll get us a shot.'

'It'll be worth it.'

You agree. You sneak out of your bed and round to the other side of Alex's bed. She turns to face you, unbothered by her still shackled arm now bent behind her. She shuffles back to make room and despite the small space you lift yourself up and squeeze next to her. It's the closest you've been in a long time and you've missed the proximity. You've missed her. Too much.

Alex smiles and you smile back.

'I love you,' she says.

'I love you, too.'

You meet in the middle to kiss and all your troubles melt away.

* * *

 **Author Notes:**

I very cleverly replaced this story with another document, so this is the original draft of _Amnesia_. I don't remember what the original author notes said, but thanks for reading!


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